How to go sober (in your 20s) without becoming a total nerd…
My fraternity would be so ashamed...
The first couple months of college are a land grab for friends.
A bunch of awkward 18-year-olds running around campus trying to meet people before the cliques form.
And if you haven’t found a group by the time the music stops, you may be shit out of luck.
So naturally, I was pretty pumped when I came down with a case of mono during my first week of school.
I was sure that this was going to be social suicide for me.
As others were running around making new connections, the only people I was connecting with were the school nurses (and they weren’t huge fans of my antics).
Only one week in, and I had already failed college.
I imagined what my future at USD looked like once I got over mono.
“Hey look, there’s that kid with mono, what a lossseerrrr!”
And when they read my name at graduation.
“and with a 3.57 GPA and a degree in Computer Science: Matthew Hickman - the kid that had mono the first week of school”
Luckily, this wasn’t how the story played out.
In fact, my case of mono was pretty mild and after a week I was feeling back to my normal self.
Only there was one massive problem.
As a precaution, my doctor had instructed me to not drink alcohol for a month or two because it would mess with the antibiotics I was taking.
“Hmmm, but then like how do I make friends and go to parties to meet people” I thought to myself.
My peanut-sized brain couldn’t fathom the idea that you could go out to a party and not drink.
Eventually, I figured it out and made a game plan.
It was a very simple plan.
I would still go out.
But go out sober.
And because I was so embarrassed by the fact that I was sober, I decided that I needed to overcompensate by bringing a LOT of energy to every party I went to.
Enough energy where nobody would ever think “Who is this guy? He’s so quiet and he’s not even drinking. What a weirdo!”
And my plan worked!
Weirdly, I had a lot of fun going out sober for those two months (foreshadowing).
This was my first experience with going to parties without drinking.
Tour Life
Now let’s fast forward 6 years. October 2022.
I’m on tour with a DJ pretty much every weekend for 3 months.
I had heard stories of the constant partying, groupies, clubs, bottles, etc. and to be honest, that was what I was expecting.
But what I found instead was a much more wholesome environment.
Both of the DJs I toured with were stone-cold sober.
Like didn’t drink at all.
And out of respect, none of the crew members would really drink either.
So I went from drinking 2-3 times back home with my friends to drinking 0 times per week on tour with the crew.
Eventually, I realized that I had accidentally gone 1-month sober.
And something magical happened.
I felt like a million bucks! Like all the time.
Aside from the obvious benefits (no hangovers, less money wasted at bars, etc.) I also noticed that my natural baseline of energy was higher.
And that got me thinking.
“If I feel this good after going 1-month sober, I wonder what 3-months sober feels like?”
So I decided to give myself a challenge.
No booze through the end of the year. Then reevaluate.
I figured if I could hold myself to it through the holidays (the most drinking-heavy time of the year for a lot of people) I could do anything.
And so I did it.
I went home for the holidays. No drinking.
I went back on tour. No booze.
We threw a massive Christmas party at our house. Stone-cold sober.
I made it all the way to New Years, and at 12:15 AM on Jan 1st I took a shot of Tequila after we finished working a show in Denver. I was wasted lol.
And that broke the streak.
A bittersweet moment.
But looking back on it, I noticed a lot of interesting things while being a sober nerd.
Stuff I was blind to prior.
And I’d like to share some of those with you.
My Sobriety Enlightenments
Sobriety needs a rebrand: If you tell people you are sober or “not drinking” everyone assumes that you’re like a recovering alcoholic or some sort of weirdo. Also, the word sobriety just sounds kind of lame. It gives the same energy as the word “virginity.”
Drinking is the cornerstone of American culture: I think we all kind of know this but once you stop drinking you become hyperaware of how many times you have to turn down a drink. You can’t really go much of anywhere without being surrounded by booze. Not necessarily a good or bad thing, just an observation.
Everyone respects “giving Dry January a try” but people have less respect for “Yeah, decided to stop drinking”: This was maybe the most interesting realization I had. When I would tell people I’m giving Dry January a go, their eyes would almost always light up and they’d say something like “Oh nice, yeah my buddy and I thought about doing that” or “Yeah we did that last year, so good for you man.” But then when I would say “Yeah, I just realized I don’t really love drinking that much and I’m feeling pretty good on this sobriety kick.” that never got much of a positive response, which led me to stop talking about it haha.
Your baseline energy level is higher: As mentioned earlier, your average energy levels are higher. All days, not just weekends.
Cold turkey was easier to follow than “drink a little less”: If you don’t do cold turkey you have to make a decision every time somebody offers you a drink. If you decide to go cold turkey, you only have to make one decision.
I realized how few times I genuinely had the desire to drink: After relieving myself of the social pressure to drink I really only ever had like 2 instances where I wanted to drink. Usually, it was when I was with good friends and we were celebrating something meaningful.
You can still go out and have fun without drinking: I used to hear people say that and think “Omg this guy is such a nerd, loosen up buddy, have a white claw.” But now I understand it. You can still have fun, it’s just a different type of fun and you don’t want to stay up as late.
Knowing why you are trying sobriety makes it easier to stick with: For me, I was trying to see how good I could feel on a daily basis. I was already sold on the increased energy thing but was curious about what other benefits I might encounter. Also, I hate hangovers and wasting Sundays. Keeping those things top of mind made it easier to stick with.
You aren’t better than other people because you don’t drink: It is easy to come off as “I think I’m better than you because I don’t drink” when you are out at a party telling people of all the great health benefits of not drinking. Don’t do that. It makes you look like a douche. Don’t talk about it unless somebody seems interested in trying it themselves. Save your thoughts for your blog.
People don’t really care after the initial conversation: This is just a good life lesson in general. People really don’t care that much about you and what you are doing. They think about you way less often than you think they do. In this case, people might give you a little shit upfront for making the change, but after a while, nobody will ask you about it again.
Have a few answers ready when people ask you why you aren’t drinking: Here are some of my favorites, depending on how long of a conversation you anticipate having:
If it’s a random drunk person, and you want it to be quick:
“I’m allergic to alcohol.”
“I’m doing dry January.”
If it’s somebody you kind of know but don’t necessarily feel like getting into it
“I’m running a race in a couple of days and want to feel good for it”
“I went too hard last night. Need to recover.”
If it’s a close friend who’s genuinely curious, maybe you give the whole story.
“Tbh I hate hangovers and have been feeling good not drinking. So I’m doing 3 months sober just to see what it feels like.”
Pro Tip: What to order at a bar when you aren’t drinking: It was always awkward for me to be empty-handed at a bar so I’d use this classic trick. Order a sparkling water with a lime and a straw. Looks just like a vodka soda.
Wrap Up
I heard a bunch of people talk about the benefits of not drinking, but to be honest, I kind of thought they were full of it.
But one of my life philosophies is to get my own data points, based on my own experiences. This will allow me to know for sure, based on my own lived experience, if the benefits are real.
And you should do the same. Don’t just take my word for it.
If you are curious about it, try it for yourself.
Or don’t! Doesn’t matter to me!
If you made it this far would you do me a huge favor and share this with one of your friends who has been considering cutting back on drinking?
Maybe my insight would be helpful for them:
Thank you so much for reading. I really value your attention.
Hope all is well, reply to this email if you’ve got any questions on anything I discussed.
Until next time,
Flickman
P.S. For anyone interested in where I landed in terms of drinking: I am not fully sober anymore. I drink occasionally, but it’s down to about 1 - 2 times a month vs. 2 - 3 times per week prior and I’m feeling good.
5th point is a great framework! Hope it’s been good bites exploring the Big Apple